| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2006|10:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nervous | ] |
so much for this year being better
it got a lot worse this week
i had to go to my work and explain to my boss all about the stuff with the bus (here was me hoping to have a new sart where that was something only i knew about), because i am going to have to go to court to defend my self which is making me really nervious i know i am probably gonna get ripped to shreds.
they offered me £1000 to just disapper apparently with the information that i was in the wrong but from what i have been told i was not and can not be in the wrong since i was on the zebra crossing which means i can take them for all i can cause im not gonna get the appology, if they're not gonna play nice i might just have to make it messy for them |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2006|09:16 pm] |
happy new year!!!
i know its late but anyway
fingers crossed this year will be so much more fun than last year for everyone
im hoping it can be a new start and i can move on
anyways have fun!!!!
kim |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 11th, 2005|08:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
well today started well i got up and swimming with ali and my mum was lots of fun, took ali to the shops cause she wanted to look at toys, got a letter saying i have passed the phone interview for the royal bank of scotland
so was quite a good day so cant understand why i feel so crap, im really bored which i hate i wish i had something to do
i have come to the conclusion that im like a curious 8 year old girl when it comes to wanting to know things about my dad, the accident and what he was like at the end, it upsets me to find out the answeres sometimes, knowing that my mum had to watch the man she loved slip away and could do nothing to stop it, now knowing that she had bee preparing the house in hope that he would be able to come home but he never made out the hostital he never got to see any of the hrd work she put in to make him more comfortable and life easier for him
i just hope that he could see and know me now that he would like who i am and be proud of me
to know i wasnt a huge disapointment to him |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2005|10:58 pm] |
i was doing really well up untill tonight my mum said had grown up a lot and the counsilor said that he no longer felt the need to see me as i seemed to have managed to move in the oposite direction than i was, i had regained control of my temper and had not been anywhere near as bad as i used to be, but then something went wrong tonight and i could have swung for shazz i almost did but luckly enough i calmed down and didnt hurt anyone.
we will soon see if the counsilor made the right desision, at the time i agreed with i felt great but now i fell like crap, i fell like im fighting a loosing battle and i dont like it |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2005|10:31 pm] |
well i got the report back from the psycologist and he said here is a lot of things that need sorted, it upset me a lot reading what a complete stranger has to say about me, but the thing that sticks in my mind is that i will have a limited quality of life according to him.
i am still waiting to find out what the report means to the case and if anything happens with it, but i guess i cant have everything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2005|09:46 pm] |
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i was talkin to jen from college today and as per usaul she knows every thing before i do, folk are suposidly organising a college night out, but why say anythin to me i was only good enough for them when they needed help, but jen they would always be talkin to her, she was the one everyone wanted fair enough i dont want to be centre stage or anything, it would just be nice not to be an after thought |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2005|11:24 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
last night was great fun, i love speanding time with friends, but this has to be one of the only times i really really wish i had had something to drink to try and relax, lower my inhibitions have more fun, being the only non drinker can start to get to you even if you choose not to drink but i suppose you cant change wots happened |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 12th, 2005|11:29 pm] |
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every day i wake up to a broken heart, i know that i will never get to see if i am enough to make him proud, i was and never will be the right kind of girl for his family, but deep down i want to know that he is happy with me and i wish i could make him proud of me and find out what he really thinks of all my efforts through life, i feel it has been quite a struggle and it still is but i know there people a lot worse off than me, but i just cant shake the feeling that it will never be enough, all i really want now is to feel that deep down i have done enough, but i will never know, because he can never tell me. i feelt really bad when lynsey died because every time i spoke to kevin i felt i was lying to him telling him things get easier but for me they just seem to have spiralled out of my control, the pain does faid but it has come back like someone has ripped open aan old wound bringing with it so much anger and hatrid that it doesnt sound like me, i feel so ashamed that i can feel so much hatrid towards them, my poor mum ends up with me having a go at her because i cant say what needs to be said to them and he never got a chance to say it and by the looks of things i probably wont either and i know its a waste of my breath but i want them to know how much they have hurt us, how much it hurts to see them put on a caring front but not really mean it, if they knew how much it still cuts at me, i hope that they cry themselves to sleep everynight, because i do more often than not why should i be the only one suffering i havent done anything to them, i didnt take him away, do they think i wanted any of this, i never wanted to be a go between and get to see the front fade but i had to. i just dont understand them. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|10:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
ive decided i need to change some things in my life:
.i need to get a new job - i hate going to work and i really hate my self for trying to convince my self to phone in sick or something so i dont have to go in - so if you have any sugestions please pass them this way.
. i am gonna try and get in to a different course at college if im not too late - i miss it so much i love to learn.
. i am very close to loosing the plot with home life and am beging to wish i had somewhere else to live - but to do that i would need to get some money behind me - which would mean i would have to get the full time job and not go back to college - but if i dont get back in to colege then there is always that option.
so thats whats in my head at the moment
thanks for listening
kim |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2005|10:20 pm] |
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well ive been told ive to try and be more possitive about life, which has been quite difficult so far but im really trying. like today i managed to argue with sharlotte with out raising my voice or trying to kill her which is really quite gd for me, although saying that staying at jemma's has made me realise how much i miss staying in livi and being close to my friends, they mean so much to me and i dont get to see them half as much as i would like to, i miss them so much, i know things probably wouldnt be any different if i still stayed there but i can always wish. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2005|01:45 am] |
i can not remember the last time i was truly happy, but i am begining to realise why, i dont like the fact that happiness can be taken away from you and im scared of looseing the feeling of being happy again, im not sure when i was last really happy but deep down i know thats all i want from life, but im also not to sure how long it'll take or if i'll actually get it, but i fear that every time i get close to it i seem to shy away i'm begining to get quite upset by it.
well today i was getting ready to go to work and was dreading it so much that i almost wrote my notice then and there but i didnt, im really sick and tired of work, i know it sounds petty but its starting to bug me lynne has been back from her holidays for 2 weeks and every time she is in as main manager i always end up as main casher or as back up that has to stay at the tills, i spent the whole time in my last job on the tills i do ot want this job to be the same
i was told earlier this week that i missed my chance with another guy, but i never realised that he seen anything in me im not nice lookin, fun and mentaly unhinged so i dont see what anyone really seen in me
im really sorry for this post it has been a long and boring day in which i had too much time too think, was close to and in tears for most of my shift at work today, which kinda shows how bad its got.
kim
p.s. sory for not updating recently but the computer at home is broken and will hopefully be fixed soon |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 15th, 2005|11:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
i feel sick no matter what i do all i want is to cry, deep down i dont know what to do, i feel the need to talk to someone but i dont want to intrude on anyone i just want a hug i know it wont help but, most people would get this off thier family but mines keep giving my advice that i know i need to hear but its not what i want to hear, i know they understand what im going through but i doesnt help when they're all so happy and i just cant |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|12:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
ok well i officialy need help
i lost the plot and smashed a window
if u have ever wondered y i dont drink and quite offten have trouble lettin people get close, this is y i scare myself and only those in my house have ever seen me this way
i am now also not allowed to look after frank and ali because my mum cant take the chance that next time it might be one of them |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2005|08:25 pm] |
things have got so bad at home that i have almost packed my bags many times this week, i have been very close to hurting my sisters, i really hate sharing a room with them i dont have my own space and it might seem really stupid but i feel i need it, somewhere that you have control of. i'm damn sure my mum is close to kicking me out the house because of how i have been this week ive been shouting the house down about everything but mostly about the fact my sisters have got paint on my stuff i mean fair enough they are doing something good but do they have to get paint all over eveything at the same time. and to add to it all my hayfever is making feel like death warmed up.
bubbles has been a lot of fun i got to play in the soft play with the kids, for the disney party they were having they have also had a bouncy castle and face painting which were a lot of fun.
so if anyone had a cure for hayfever or a room to rent my week would have been perfect
kim |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 13th, 2005|11:43 pm] |
ok i feel like crap i cant seem to cheer myself up at the moment all i want to do is cry or sleep, both of which are a waste of time because they dont seem to do me any good, i have spent the last few nights in tears, i hate this cause it makes me feel even worse cause i have nothing to cry about.
just want to be happy again
i hope things look up by thursday cause all the HNC's and HND's are meant to be going to establishment for a night out but im working so will have to go after that and then its the BBQ for the end of college (i think) still gotta finish my course work
sorry |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 12th, 2005|10:41 pm] |
ok well i really havent got a lot to look forward to, my college course isnt running next year and im not sure what im gonna do with myself, im looking for a new job just now, i have an interveiw to work at bubbles in their summer camps but that will only last me until the end of the summer holidays, i have no idea what im gonna do after that prob end up working in some stupid job until i go back.
my so called girls night in that was meant to be a lot of fun for all of us, wasnt it kinda turned in to a bitchin session, about craig and kevins parents and the goings on in the house and how they feel about it getting all the bad stuff of their chest, so i had to sit through hours of this pretending to be happy with it all, its none of my buissness what goes on between them or behind closed doors.
my sisters hate me and like to tell me as offten as they can which can get quite annoying it can hurt a lot, so by the sounds of its gonna be a fun filled year for me next year, what with not having a job to go to living at home with my sisters who hate me and not really fitting in anywhere. my invite to paintball got canclled because im female but yet i didnt fit in at the girls night in.
so ill be having loads and loads of fun |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2005|11:22 pm] |
having a crap day spent the last hour arguin with my mum again, i dont think this is ever gonna change, also come to the conclusion that there are quite a few thing in my life that i really dont like about my self and my life:
. i hate everything thats happened to me to make me how i am
.i hate the fact that i have a short fused temper and can blow up at anything so im sorry if i have ever gone off on one at you
.i hate many things about myself such as the way i look and the way i am
so i appologise for the way that i am or have been with you if it has caused you any offence |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2005|12:51 am] |
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havent updated this in a long while, so here goes, this is what has been going on:
. finishing college soon, so trying to get all my work done
. got to see if college will be willing to run the hnd next year
. looking for a new job, but depending on what colege says what kind of job ill be needing
. have to go see a psycologist to see how much mental damage being hit by the bus has done
. all the weight i lost when i started college i am now putting back on
i know i had a fair few rants when i was on holiday but heres what i really did:
thursday: flew out, got settled in my room went got food and then went swimming, went to the bars on the complex, all the guys ended up in our appartment drinking, i went for a walk to the beach but it was really dark so went back they had all left so went to bed.
friday: went swimming played beach volleyball tryed to cath some rays but got bored so went walk about again, played basket ball, ended up with sun stroke so fell asleep again just sitting on my bed.
satarday: woke up nice and early went for a wee walk, went swimmimg sat about in the appartment played basketball, played football against the weigies off to the bbq night for dinner went to the bars at night i think it was the pool compition then off to the night club
sunday: was meant to be going to the market but slept in, so sat in the appartment then went for walk across to the sea, came back watched films in the guys appartment had dinner back to the guys appartment to watch films ended asleep in the living room on the sofabed with jen and scott there was a large truth or dare game being played and there was no drink involved, although some of the things that were said should have needed the drink
monday: woke up in the guys appartment and there were just 2 out of the 5 that were there when i fell asleep was really weird, found the rest of the folk sleeping in the living room of our appartment. spent the day swimming and playing basketball night time involved going to the guys appartment for the shot night not a good idea i think there 2 or 3 games goin at the one time 1st: everyone had to have their drink in their left hand the whole night if it ended up in the right they have to take a shot, 2nd: there was a squash ball being thrown around the room if your name was said and you didnt catch the ball you had to take a shot, but if they didnt say your name they have to take a shot then the 3rd: was that i went to the shops and bought game if you got something wrong you had to take a shot, we then ended up in the pool bar and then on to the club
tuesday: went for a really long walk along the beach i think i was going for hours when i got back 4 of us went out on the mountain bikes for a couple of hours then went swimming ended up in porto del carmen for a meal that college payed for then went to the bars there went backe early with the 2 scotts endded up in the club on the complex there were only the 5 of us on the dance floor this was the night i kinda went crazzy and was waling about till 4.30 in the morning spent part of this night in tears
wednesday: left the appartment as soon as i could, wasnt speaking to anyone couldnt even look at my room mate, was in tears when i left went to the shop to get food then had to go and join in the compition between the sports coaches and the health and fitness classes we played ultimate frisbee(this game is like football but with a frisbee, two teams trying to score points through the goals by passing to team mates) crab football (football but on your hands and feet shuffleing around like a crab) scandanavian long ball (like a mixture of rounders netball and others),the guys from each group were diving, then most of us took part in an aqua aerobics session and then went on to play tug of war, the sports coaches won all but one of the events (so we kicked ass) was really tired so after dinner and some time in the bar went back to the appartmentto pack and get some sleep>
thursday: finished packing got on the bus and went to the airport only to find out that there was an 8 hour delay on the flight we got 2 free meals at the airport got a lot more time to shopbut most of the time was spent being bored couldnt sleep in the airport or the plane until they switched the lights off for landing
thats the rough outline of my holiday there are many stories that need the pictures to explain and many pictures that need the stories to explain
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| (no subject) |
[May. 18th, 2005|06:43 am] |
well the holiday was brilliant up until last night when everything started to go down the drain
we got taken to porto del carmen for our dinner and then a night out on the town the meal was quite good but wasnt very hungry, but college was paying for it so free food. went to look in the shops but got fucking jumped on by all the folk handing out flyers for the bars, which i hated, we ended up with pockets full of flyers, there was quite a few of us that left to have an early night for the so called compition that we are ment to be having between the sports coaches and the health and fitness,so i got a taxi back with some of the guys and ended up in the club, there was five of us there and we were the only ones on the dance floor so we left and managed to catch the rest of the coming of the bus most of them were wrecked, by that point i wanted to go to sleep but that wasnt happening, couldnt go to my appartment because jen was fucking wrecked and wouldnt go to sleep so folk were sitting in there trying to get her to calm down then she started spewing her load so went to the guys appartment and there was still a lot of drunk folk there with no where to go,so couldnt sleep there.
ended up getting really pissed of and going for a walk ended up back in my appartment around half 4 and found that my covers had been taken off my bed for jen who was on the sofaended up in tears because i couldnt walk the anger out, i could only walk round and round the complex which isnt very big.
i really wanted to leave last night, i have spent the whole week sobber and the rest of them have just got progressively worse and worse, the peak of it all was last night, i mean its noting new for me to be the sobber one but everyone was at each others throats or trying to avoid the fights, i was quite close to hitting some folk i still fell sort of like that just now, which is why in writing this to try and get´it out my system, and give myself the chance to enjoy my last full day here. before flying home tommorow.
sorry for off loading this here but i feel a bit better now
kim |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2005|02:04 pm] |
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sun burns starting to cool down now, so feeling a lot better, was out till the wee small hours of the night last night, in the bars and the night club was a good laugh glad i went, a lot of people very drunk, walked to the beach today its not quite as warm as it was, but still really nice. think we might all be going out tonight again should be a laugh, hopefully no fighting this time. |
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